Feb 24, 2010

Top 3 reasons why I'm the MEANEST PERSON EVER!

Having been told countless number of times about how nasty and selfish I am by family and friends I decided to do an Introspection and came up with aspects of my evil.
I admit it. I'm the Spawn of Satan. Now leave me alone!

1. I treat babies like lepers. 
I wasn't like this originally. In fact, I was one of those I-want-to-kidnap-your-baby-when-you-sleep kind of human beings. 
But then, I joined an edutainment K-12 sector company as a content writer where I had to pander to progressively dumber kids every single day of my life. That's when the seed of hate was born inside me. 
Then, all the cute babies I knew and changed diapers of grew up into these back-stabbing little monsters saying things like 'you're not my mother'!. The tree of hate grew into a reasonably teenager sized tree. 
Then, one day an exasperated mother shrieked at me, 'I hope you have a child who troubles you as much as you've troubled me'. That's where I lost it. I am a member of The League of Troublesome Kids and have been honored twice already. And as you know, a mother's curse always comes true. So, that's when the hate-baby-tree inside me grew exponentially, reached out of my mouth and strangled the nearest baby next to me. 

2. I am incredibly vain
It's not that I am a stunning diva or anything. I'm your average girl. The only thing that I had to be proud of was my slim figure and my hair. That, ahem, is not the case now. I'm more, well, healthy now. I still remain vain. Close friends and acquaintances know that I should never be seated in proximity of a mirror. I invariably point myself toward it and start preening. And then, I proceed to hold imaginary conversations with my glamorous-mirrored-self. And I just bop my head to any conversation thrown at me. 
And although I'm not an introvert, I don't like to ramble to people who do not inhabit the same attitude-wavelength as mine, so that has given me the label of a snob. Really, the lows to which the lowlys can stoop!
I'm also prone to statements like, 'He Died?! But he was so handsome!! Waaa!' 

3. I'm incredibly cold and selfish
One reason could be that I perpetually suffer from chronic cold and a sniffly nose, but shrinks beg to differ. I apparently have the blue-heart syndrome. I was touted to be the The White Witch in Chronicles of Narnia but Tilda Swinton got the role instead because I was too short for that white gown. In kindergarten, I was sent back home because I thrashed a tiny girl and told her that she had ugly hair and she should shave it all off. 
Also my first complete statement was 'That's Mine, you bloody *@@##$%!!' I have bright stickers which I post to my stuff when I go to the restroom. I dislike sharing anything and everything. Once, when a beggar asked me for my sandwich, I whacked him with his own crutch. 

PS: Having said all this, I'm not that bad. Please come for dinner y'all. I'm serving maggots and dead rats for the main course.


Sharanya said...

Oh Suchi. I love you.

(FOR THE LAST TIME WOMAN, CAN YOU PLEASE ACTIVATE THE ANON OPTION?!**#&(#))!^! No, I still love you, but you know...)

Blue~Flame said...

@sharan: Im Meaaaannn. I dont know Looovveee. :D
Sharn, you are nice and you always write ur name below when u comment anon.
But other jerks dont!
Plz, plz understand.

godrick said...

This is nice one..
Btw you are not that bad baby..
its ok if you are bad with kids, your mom and dad, or if you are bad with me, or if your are bad with everyone in this world, but you are still a good person,
;) "dont know how?? but you are".

Blue~Flame said...

@Godrick: That made me feel really special. Thanks.

Guys, please do drop in lewd comments with links to 'adult' sites. COZ THAT"'S MEAN! Show some respect.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you seem to be a incredibly grumpy person :P[no offense] .. this so reminds me of the song natalie's rap. Have you heard of it ? It would be awesome if you started rapping too. This would be a first. A uncensored hip-hop indian lady rapper. :P

Blue~Flame said...

@prashlash: My family has reported that I rap in my sleep. They can't make out the words (thank god) but apparently I'm in tune.
Good Idea though.

Mars said...

This is really funnnnyy.

I can empathize with the blue-heart syndrome, by the way.

Blue~Flame said...

You can?oh goodie! There's this one person who's rated my post eww. Oh dear,the faint hearted et al.
Is this ur pic btw? You look so innocent cute :)

The Analyst said...

Fun post really...Be afraid Really afraid... Suchi has spoken...

Blue~Flame said...

@Analyst: Good, you have reacted very accurately. I'll spare your life.

LambAround said...

I feel for you about the babies. I used to love them - then I started working in a pediatric dental office. The response I always get when I tell someone where I work is "That must be nice". Shrieking, vomiting kids are nice? (and their mothers! Oh, their horrible, horrible mothers!) Puh-lease!

Blue~Flame said...

@LambAround: Ped Dental Office. Triple Ouchies! shit, that's like a clean sort of hell right?

Christopher said...

Somehow I find that all strangely appealing.

Blue~Flame said...

@Chris: Then you're as disturbed as I am.

Jill said...

LOL I'm a bit scared of you now, is that OK?

I found your blog from 20 sb. Check mine out at www.lifeaftercollege3.blogspot.com if you want. :)

Blue~Flame said...

@jill: I wont hurt you. You're too far away. :|
Will check it out asap.

Ankit Poddar said...

the meanest post ever!!

coming from you, that is well, that is expected. ;)

Blue~Flame said...

@Kits: Thank you so much.
Now i'm in tears.
Tears of Blood.

Continuum said...

I like Cockroaches better than babies.
I prefer Cockroaches to human beings in general.
I'll probably feel happy if there were a nuclear attack and only cockroaches got to stay. Atleast we'd get rid of, well, PEOPLE!
Wow, you did write this one keeping us in mind:)
Spread the meanness everywhere you go. You're gifted.

Blue~Flame said...

@Aanchal: Roger that.

Anasthaesium said...

I share two of those three. yes, you are free to guess which two!!