Top 3 reasons why I'm the MEANEST PERSON EVER!

Having been told countless number of times about how nasty and selfish I am by family and friends I decided to do an Introspection and came up with aspects of my evil.

I admit it. I'm the Spawn of Satan. Now leave me alone!

1. I treat babies like lepers. 

I wasn't like this originally. In fact, I was one of those I-want-to-kidnap-your-baby-when-you-sleep kind of human beings. 

But then, I joined an edutainment K-12 sector company as a content writer where I had to pander to progressively dumber kids every single day of my life. That's when the seed of hate was born inside me. 

Then, all the cute babies I knew and changed diapers of grew up into these back-stabbing little monsters saying things like 'you're not my mother'!. The tree of hate grew into a reasonably teenager sized tree. 

Then, one day an exasperated mother shrieked at me, 'I hope you have a child who troubles you as much as you've troubled me'. That's where I lost it. I am a member of The League of Troublesome Kids and have been honored twice already. And as you know, a mother's curse always comes true. So, that's when the hate-baby-tree inside me grew exponentially, reached out of my mouth and strangled the nearest baby next to me. 

2. I am incredibly vain

It's not that I am a stunning diva or anything. I'm your average girl. The only thing that I had to be proud of was my slim figure and my hair. That, ahem, is not the case now. I'm more, well, healthy now. I still remain vain. Close friends and acquaintances know that I should never be seated in proximity of a mirror. I invariably point myself toward it and start preening. And then, I proceed to hold imaginary conversations with my glamorous-mirrored-self. And I just bop my head to any conversation thrown at me. 

And although I'm not an introvert, I don't like to ramble to people who do not inhabit the same attitude-wavelength as mine, so that has given me the label of a snob. Really, the lows to which the lowlys can stoop!

I'm also prone to statements like, 'He Died?! But he was so handsome!! Waaa!' 

3. I'm incredibly cold and selfish

One reason could be that I perpetually suffer from chronic cold and a sniffly nose, but shrinks beg to differ. I apparently have the blue-heart syndrome. I was touted to be the The White Witch in Chronicles of Narnia but Tilda Swinton got the role instead because I was too short for that white gown. In kindergarten, I was sent back home because I thrashed a tiny girl and told her that she had ugly hair and she should shave it all off. 

Also my first complete statement was 'That's Mine, you bloody *@@##$%!!' I have bright stickers which I post to my stuff when I go to the restroom. I dislike sharing anything and everything. Once, when a beggar asked me for my sandwich, I whacked him with his own crutch. 

PS: Having said all this, I'm not that bad. Please come for dinner y'all. I'm serving maggots and dead rats for the main course.